Fie Hørby talks about the importance of taking a breather and doing nothing in particular. But how do we make time for that in our busy daily lives?

What’s your relationship with vacation home life?

When our older children were little, we often went to a summer house in Hornbæk, but now we live here permanently, and there’s just a very special energy here. We’ve traveled a lot in Denmark, but since moving to Hornbæk—which in many ways feels like living in the heart of summer house country—our vacation destinations have been places like Iceland, the U.S., and Italy. Whereas we once sought out big cities, we now seek out nature in these magnificent places. We also go to Bornholm every year, but it doesn’t feel like we’re in Denmark. When we travel, we’re very focused on making sure the experience is enriching and enjoyable for all of us, and on Bornholm, we feel like we get it all. The food is great, we can stay in lovely accommodations, and the nature is beautiful and magnificent. We find it can be difficult to find vacation homes where you don’t have to compromise on comfort, because we’ve reached an age and have the financial means that make us want things to be just a little bit better than what we have in our everyday lives.

What happens when we physically distance ourselves from everyday life?

There have never been as many people buying vacation homes as there are right now. I think it’s about creating a breathing space where we can step away from our homes and daily routines, which are filled with everyday chores—laundry and things that need to be painted, fixed, and cleaned. For many people, especially families with children, home can be associated with work. There’s always something to do, and things are constantly in motion. Even on the way to the summer house, we tend to settle into a different pace because there’s not as much to do there.

When we arrive at a place where we know there’s time to relax, our bodies instinctively know what to do. Calm comes more easily on its own, because habits and rituals help the body and mind navigate restlessness. They become a sort of shortcut to transforming restlessness into calm and to feeling ourselves and each other.

> The deeper we feel connected to ourselves, the more we can also connect with others. We connect with one another and feel that love is there.

What does aimless being mean to you?

For me, it is through aimless being that we find our way back to ourselves, that we become aware of ourselves, and that we begin to have conversations that everyday life rarely allows for. Busyness keeps us on the surface of ourselves and others, but when we have nowhere to go and simply surrender to aimless being, we often sink into another layer where we feel more deeply connected to ourselves. The deeper we feel connected to ourselves, the more we can also connect with others.

We connect with one another and sense that love is there. This is where we recharge as human beings. And that connection can be difficult to establish in everyday life, because everything moves so fast, and the conditions simply aren’t there. We might want to consider whether this is a pace we should continue at, because when we’re unable to ground ourselves in our nervous system and feel calm, we actually suffer. This is where stress, anxiety, emptiness, and a sense of meaninglessness set in. It’s our connection with those we love that gives our lives meaning. It is simply crucial to our joy and vitality that we recharge. We tend to forget what it is that actually brings us joy.

> If you don’t have the courage to face the restlessness that arises and the unease that sets in, you might come up with all sorts of projects and keep going without truly connecting, because it’s easier to stay in that state than to face the restlessness.

Why is it so important to find peace?

When we settle into stillness, we sense something new, and we think in new ways. We can tap into creative energies we may not have known we had—or that we haven’t been in touch with for a long time. We see this in children, too—they engage in much deeper play, where you can really sense that they’re absorbed in the moment. And if there are several children, they come together in games that can go on for hours.

It can take some time to reconnect with our own creativity after a period marked by speed and busyness. We’re in a state where we may struggle to find peace and settle into the family’s embrace. Before we reach that calm, we must go through a period of restlessness—a state where we may struggle to connect with ourselves and our family. Here, it’s crucial that we settle into that aimless state of being, even though the restlessness will often try to force us back into high gear. If you don’t have the courage to embrace the turmoil that arises and the restlessness that sets in, you might come up with all sorts of projects and keep going without truly connecting, because it’s easier to be in that state than in the turmoil.

> What we see today is that modern people have a significant imbalance between doing and being, because we generally do much more than we simply are.

What do you mean by habits and rituals?

It’s like when you go to yoga. The moment I step inside and roll out my mat, I can feel myself settling a little more into myself, and after class I’m often in a completely different place, because yoga helps me and my body slow down. And the same thing happens when we drive off to a summer house. We know we’re heading somewhere peaceful, and our bodies are helped to settle into a calmer pace. When we shift from “doing” to “being,” something truly special happens. What we see today is that modern people have a significant imbalance between “doing” and “being,” because we generally do much more than we simply are. It’s important to stay focused on that aimless state of being, which is also at the heart of mindfulness, yoga, and meditation. We don’t recharge properly because we have too little aimless being.

Can breathing spaces create room for aimless being in everyday life?

Yes, they certainly can. This is one of the things we work on with our students at the Blackbird Institute. We need to create sustainable lives. Many of us have gotten caught up in a cycle of what we see others doing. We see people going to work from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., working themselves to the bone, showing up for all the kids’ events, seeing friends and family, throwing kids’ birthday parties, driving to extracurricular activities—and in the end, we’re left gasping for breath because it’s all just too much. The way we can create breathing room is by really taking a look at our lives and asking ourselves, “How do I actually want to live my life?”

In our society, there’s a tendency to work ourselves to the bone during the week, and because we don’t create breathing room during the week, it takes a long time for our bodies to return to a state where we can connect with one another. To create breathing room in a daily routine with young children, it’s a good idea to let both your body and your child’s body fully wind down. We can do this by putting on some gentle music when we get home, lying down on the floor—and here we’ll often find that our children will naturally come and lie down on top of us. Children attune themselves to their parents’ nervous system, so if we settle down together, breathe together, and connect physically with each other right there on the floor, we can often avoid what we used to call “the witching hour.” The witching hour occurs because children are overstimulated and haven’t been properly regulated throughout the day. We create that breathing space by making sure to step in and regulate ourselves and our children. We need to calm ourselves down, take a few deep breaths, turn our attention inward, and connect with ourselves—and then we can connect with each other.

How do you do that at home?

For me personally, it means I don’t work five days a week. It takes me too long to find my center, so it’s important for me to have a shorter workweek and some days where I work from home. I want to be able to spend many hours with my son without having to do anything, without being on the computer, without being on the phone—precisely so we can connect with each other. We always make it a priority to have dinner together with our older children. We make a big deal out of meals, and we often cook together, eat for a long time, and wash the dishes together. We know we have time when we do things together that connect us on a daily basis.

Transitions seem to be important. How do we cherish them?

Transitions are vulnerable moments for us as human beings, and we don’t pay them enough attention. When we pick up our kids, leave work, or shift from weekdays to weekends or from weekends to weekdays—these changes actually take a toll on the body. We can’t just suddenly go from a fast pace to a slow one. There’s a transition, and it can be made smoother by ensuring we create balance on a daily basis. It doesn’t help if we only do this on the weekends. It’s like when you’re scuba diving. We have to come up for air before we can dive again. Those little breaks throughout the day really make a big difference. That said, it can be difficult because we live in a culture where we’re rewarded for being efficient, accomplishing a lot, and keeping up the pace, but it’s destructive for us if we don’t remember to recharge and take breaks at regular intervals.

> When we don’t have this connection—when we don’t tune into each other and care about how the other person is doing—we start living parallel lives. We can’t feel the value of our relationship, and that’s when we might start to doubt it.

How does creating breathing room affect our family and our partnership?

As I’ve touched on briefly, creating breathing room in our daily lives allows us to connect with and sense each other. When we lack this connection—when we don’t sense each other or care about how the other is doing—we start living parallel lives. We can’t feel the value of our relationship, and that’s when we may start to doubt—ourselves, each other, and whether we’re good parents to our children. The body longs for that connection, closeness, and tenderness when we go without them for an extended period. We become overwhelmed because we can’t feel the love, and then we can’t handle quite as much either, because we aren’t recharging through that aimless togetherness. It’s simply the feeling of running on an empty tank.

You say it’s like running on an empty tank—but how do you change that in practical terms?

If I’m a little tired or feeling down, it always helps to put on some music and dance in the living room. It always shifts the energy within a few minutes. Good music that we just move to together, and then we dance our way into a good mood. It always leaves the family in a different mood than when we started. I also think that’s why trampolines have become so popular. You go out and move around with the kids, and that often puts you in a higher, more uplifted mood. Sometimes I think you should seek something other than a calm atmosphere—it can be healthy to do something that injects energy into the family. Trampolines call for excitement, high energy, and laughter. But it’s also always about striking a balance between the two.

What’s important to keep in mind to help establish that connection?

When we as parents have been rushing around all week, we may tend to want to do all sorts of things with our kids—we really want to spoil them so we can feel good about ourselves. The problem is that we often end up in situations that we ourselves don’t find fun, and the kids can sense that.

It’s therefore about figuring out what gives us, as adults, energy. Or deciding to fully commit to it and really want it. This creates a positive and present connection that the children mirror. If, on the other hand, the children don’t sense our presence, we’ll find that they become clingy, and then there’s no way for the experience to be enjoyable. The children will become clingy, pestering, and whatever we’ve planned won’t be good enough. What our children really miss is our presence. They can sense that the adult isn’t really there, and that makes them feel insecure. It’s crucial for children that they can feel that connection with us. Children will want to be part of everything, as long as they can sense that the adults are happy and present.

The point is that it doesn’t really matter what we do together—whether it’s fixing a bike, playing with beads, collecting chestnuts, or drawing. What matters is that we don’t just stand on the playground, disengaged, like the living dead. There just aren’t many “vitamins” in that.