Sarah bought a cabin with her mother-in-law: “She was only supposed to be a silent partner”

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“There’s a snowstorm outside, there’s no more coffee in the pot, and you’re locked in with your mother-in-law. How would that feel? Feel it deep down in your stomach. Can you get over it?” This is how cabin owner Sarah Winge describes some of the considerations she made before they invested in a cabin with her husband’s mother.

When Sarah Winge and her husband were going to buy a cabin, their budget was quite far from the prices in Rørvig, where she herself had spent summers at the cabin in her childhood. So when her mother-in-law offered to be a silent partner, it was a welcome opportunity to fulfill the dream of a cabin with enough space, in an area that meant a lot to them.

And with inflation and rising interest rates, the idea of sharing a cabin with others has only become more relevant. If you are one of those who dream of buying a cabin, but don't necessarily have the means, it might be interesting to explore more ways to own a cabin. If you are thinking of selling your cabin, it can similarly be a solution to sell a share of the cabin to friends or family.

For Sarah Winge, however, it quickly becomes clear that her mother-in-law also has some preferences regarding the investment, and that the partnership ends up being a lot more loud than silent. Nevertheless, Sarah Winge's experience is positive and full of joy, and she guides you to good ways of collaborating in situations where owning a cabin together can be a challenge – and how to navigate the relationship you are in when you have different wishes and are at different stages of life, which is often the case if you buy a cabin with a parent or in-law.

It quickly became clear to us that I really wanted to come up here to Odsherred and very much to Nykøbing Sjælland, preferably Rørvig, but we absolutely did not have the budget for that.

When we talk to Sarah Winge, we are sitting in the small, cozy cabin from 1966 in Nykøbing Sjælland, surrounded by white-painted wooden panels, recycled furniture, and toys on the floor, testifying to children having a good time. Here, she, along with her husband and their two small children, spends many hours during holidays and weekends, often in the company of Sarah Winge's mother-in-law.

“We bought the cabin in the summer of 2019 and took possession in November 2019, and we have continuously modernized it at the pace possible with a little one. My mother-in-law has also been a great support in terms of painting and tidying the garden.”

What was your process from deciding you wanted a cabin until you held the keys to this place in your hand?

“It’s actually an incredibly long process. I grew up with a cabin myself; my father has a cabin in Rørvig, so I know the area well. And I truly always thought that I wanted a cabin I could share with my kids, just like my brother and I had.”

“So I've been checking continuously, I think I was on Boliga daily to find out what was out there. I don't know how many condition reports I've read. It quickly became clear to us that I really wanted to come up here to Odsherred and very much to Nykøbing Sjælland, preferably Rørvig, but we absolutely did not have the budget for that. The prices are just different there.

There it became seriously clear that, okay, this is a project we have together now. It's not just us and a little financial help. It's something we're doing together.

“And then we could see that it would be difficult for us to find something that could offer us what we were actually looking for; with space for guests and space to let loose and have fun and still have that good atmosphere. And at the same time, it had to be in okay condition, because neither my husband nor I are handy. So we started looking at other places too. But we didn't have a good gut feeling, because we didn't know the other areas,” Sarah Winge explains.

“At one point, I actually think it was my mother-in-law herself who said, ‘how about I be your silent partner? Maybe that can help you.’ That changed everything, because suddenly we had a much larger budget. And then Nykøbing Sjælland suddenly became relevant again.”

‘Silent partner’, what does that entail?

“In the beginning, it was ‘I’d like to help you, so I’ll buy a share in the cabin, but it’s your cabin.’ We also arranged for her to come here, but in the beginning, it was mostly financial help and a nice idea: we all agreed that it’s incredibly nice for several generations to own a house together.”

“When we started looking at cabins, we asked her for a lot of advice. It was important to us that she also had a say. That also meant that she quite quickly became less of a silent partner, but it was a nice transition. We had some extra conversations about what we all thought.”

I was quite nervous in the beginning. But considering how badly it could have gone, it has really gone well, but it has also required some ongoing conversations about our expectations.

“And we have quite different priorities. She is very much like ‘the shell must be good, the windows must be of high quality,’ where I am more like ‘no, it must have a good atmosphere, we must have some cozy furniture.’ She is a mechanical engineer, so the electrical system had to be in order, and there are some of those practical things that had to be in order, which we had to take into account. There it became seriously clear that, okay, this is a project we have together now. It's not just us and a little financial help. It's something we're doing together.”

What is it like to have a cabin with your mother-in-law?

“I think it’s fantastic. I must admit I was quite nervous in the beginning. Also because, well, she’s my mother-in-law, not my own family. But considering how badly it could have gone, it has really gone well, but it has also required some ongoing conversations about our expectations.”

About what?

“About the projects. We have primarily painted a lot and furnished, found many things on the classifieds. It wasn't so much about how it should be furnished, actually, but some practical things like ‘what about the terrace, what should we have there?’ We also want to expand at a later date, how do we do that, and when we are up here together, should we do practical things, or is it just relaxation?”

“So both parties have really talked about what expectations we have. Because we are a family with children, and she is incredibly active. She is good at making things happen, so in that way, two different energies have met sometimes.”

How did you talk about your expectations, practically speaking, if you're going to be up here together for a weekend, for example?

“If it’s just a weekend, it’s not much. We have a shared Google calendar where we can all see when we’re here. And we also talk often, because she also has an apartment in Copenhagen. We are here often and she works in Kalundborg, so sometimes she also drives by the cabin and stays overnight. And it’s not like any of us have to ask permission to drop by, so that’s just how it is. So grandma always drops by, or we drop by while grandma is here.”

“But it’s more if something needs to be done. For example, during the Easter holiday or summer holiday, we talk about if there are any projects we want fixed, and what is realistic in relation to the resources we primarily have, when we have two children.”

Both parties have really talked about what expectations we have. Because we are a family with children, and she is incredibly active.

That dynamic that arises when there are several families is truly interesting. You are all related to each other, yet you are each your own little unit, and you have to agree on things.

“Yes, and there I absolutely think we had to find it in the beginning, because there really are two different energy levels. When my mother-in-law is here, she drives in, and then she takes care of everything in the garden and mows the lawn, and she is really incredibly efficient. If she could decide, I think we would have done many more things than we have done now.”

And do you have a common summary, or how do you do it? Do you have it in the calendar?

“Right at the beginning, we had these planning meetings, and we met and said, what’s the next project, what do you think, what do we think, and are there other dreams we’d also like to pursue? So yes, I would say so. It’s not like that anymore, but we just had such a planning meeting because we wanted to extend the living room with a glass section facing the garden. We sat and talked about what we wanted, and there we are also very different.”

“We also had a carpenter here, where she was also present, and we had to tell him what we wanted. And then there were several times when we were like, yes, we don’t quite agree on that, so we’ll probably need quotes for both things. I think he could tell that we weren’t entirely clear.”

What do you do when you find yourselves disagreeing?

“We talk a lot about things. We haven't been at a point yet where either of us has said, ‘that's not going to happen.’ I think generally, fortunately, we agree on a lot, or we find a compromise. But right now, it's a sensitive area. We'd like to have muntins in the windows, and my mother-in-law is very concerned about electricity, and that a single pane of glass is best. We haven't quite landed on the windows, but then we move forward a bit, and then we have another meeting where we see if that's still where we are. ‘What if it becomes a single window where the muntins are glued on? Can we meet there?’”

“It’s a long process, but so far we’ve agreed every time, because we also take turns compromising. Among other things, that picture over there, it’s my mother-in-law’s, I have to compromise on. Because it meant something to her. If I could choose, it wouldn’t be hanging there, but that’s perfectly fine, because it’s also important that she has a say.”

Your mother-in-law has her own room. Grandma's room. Is it a no-go for everyone else but her?

“Interior-wise, we don’t touch it. It’s not something she’s said, we’ve just thought it. She decides that herself. She also found the bed and furniture herself. If we need to sleep somewhere where it’s completely dark, we can do that. But interior-wise, it’s hers. And yet not, because we use it to store things. She takes that very well.”

Do you have a triviality threshold for furnishing and decisions? Are there some things where you think you'll just make that choice, or do you talk about everything?

“No, in the beginning we talked about everything. ‘We’re thinking of buying this, what do you think about it?’ She has an opinion if you ask her, but she’s actually like, you just do it. And then she has the garden. So we’ve divided the plot, so now I don’t ask. So it’s just me who is responsible for the interior. And I think it’s fun to come up and see what’s new. Fortunately, she’s on board with my style, and sometimes she also brings something she’s bought in that style. But I also think she’d like it a bit more spartan, so we compromise there. She removes a little, I put a little out. So we have a nice little game together.”

If you can get someone in, I would really map out what both parties' expectations are. And I would also have decided in advance if I could potentially be with my mother-in-law for three weeks during the summer holidays.

If you were to give good advice to someone who has this cabin dream, and who can't quite achieve it without involving others – for example, a kind mother-in-law – or to someone who has a nice cabin now, but is considering selling because they find it too much of a mouthful, what would you advise them to do?

“I certainly don’t think you should sell, for us it offers such good opportunities all year round. So I don’t think I would ever recommend that to anyone. But if you can get someone in, I would really map out what both parties’ expectations are. And I would also have decided in advance if I could potentially be with my mother-in-law for three weeks during the summer holidays. It’s quite important that you get along well with those you invite in. And also, what focus areas you choose. Can you support each other or will it clash too much? It’s obviously difficult to know before you actually do it. But having some good conversations first, I think I would recommend.”

“Before my mother-in-law came into the picture, we also had a chat with my younger brother, who is a year and a half younger than me, about whether they might be interested. They weren't financially there at all where it was possible. But it has to be someone you get along well with, and who you can see yourself potentially being with every day for three weeks in the summer.”

Where is your husband in all of this?

“I think he might feel a bit like a fly between two nails. I think he might have more of my style too, but she’s his mother. So he naturally also wants her to be happy, and for her to feel at home. I think sometimes he finds it a bit difficult. But there haven’t been bad vibes or anything, so it’s been manageable for all of us. But I definitely think he would prefer it if we could just agree.”

It is quite important that you get along well with those you invite in. And also, what focus areas you choose. Can you support each other or will it clash too much? It is of course difficult to know before you are in it together. But having some good conversations first, I think I would recommend.

What has owning this cabin together done to your relationship with each other?

“We’ve spent much more time together, and it has also made a big difference in relation to our children. They get to see her even more, and it’s very cozy. You can really see that their relationship has become much closer. When we say grandma is coming, our oldest daughter, who is four, walks around saying ‘oh, grandma is coming on Wednesday, grandma is coming. Oh, we’re going to visit grandma tomorrow.’ And they also have a lot of fun. She’s a very active grandma. They jump on the trampoline together and play ice cream shop in the sandbox. It’s so fantastic to see. She can do some other things that we can’t. Also when we have a small baby, who sometimes demands more of our attention.”

Do you think there will be times when you want to be up here, just the four of you?

“I actually don’t think so. It’s nice, of course, but I actually think that no matter when she wants to drop by, it would actually be okay. We experienced that during corona. We actually lived up here then. Also in relation to infection and such things. But it was actually very cozy to have this place together, and to be in isolation together. Also when we escape our Copenhagen life. She brings a lovely energy with her.”

Do you think she would ever ask you not to come?

“Yes, if she uses it for guests. She has also stayed overnight at some of her friends’ cabins, so I can well imagine that it’s booked for her. And otherwise, she also sometimes works from home. Then we try to ask if she, for example, has meetings from there, then we don’t come.”

In a way, it would also feel a bit safer for me if it was my side of the family. Sometimes I can feel a bit outnumbered, a bit outmatched. But on the other hand, I would also get very tired if it was my side of the family. There is a different relationship at play between me and my own mother.

Would you have considered asking your own parents if they wanted to join you at the cabin, instead of your mother-in-law?

“We actually talked to my mother, but she wasn’t entirely on board with the idea. She had actually saved up some money and would have found it nice. In a way, it would also feel a bit safer for me if it was my side of the family. Sometimes I can feel a bit outnumbered, a bit outmatched. But on the other hand, I would also get very tired if it was my side of the family. There is a different relationship at play between me and my own mother. I perhaps don’t need to be as careful when it comes to my mother-in-law, compared to my mother. Also, my mother is very interested in interior design and is a completely different type than my mother-in-law. My mother-in-law just finds it lovely to be here, and then she takes care of everything related to the garden.”

We share the cabin fifty-fifty with my mother-in-law, and therefore also the expenses for the cabin fifty-fifty. So that was a technical thing that almost prevented the housing dream of our permanent residence.

What is it like to go to the bank when in the first round you had one family's budget, and then you come back and say you have two families' budgets?

“It definitely makes it easier. We actually haven’t had any problems with the bank. We also had some money ourselves, and that always helps, of course.”

“But where it was a challenge was actually when we were going to buy our first apartment. We share the cabin fifty-fifty with my mother-in-law, and therefore also the expenses for the cabin fifty-fifty. But the bank calculates that you are responsible for everything. It was certainly a security thing that if something happens, it is clear that our expenses will increase and therefore our disposable income would be lower, and therefore they could almost not give us this loan for this apartment. So there was a lot of back and forth. We also had security in that we could sell the cabin. So that was a technical thing that almost prevented the housing dream of our permanent residence.”

But you managed to explain the situation?

“Yes, so fortunately it worked out. But it is, of course, also something to be aware of. We didn’t know that when you borrow money, you are responsible for both families. But that’s apparently just how it is when you borrow money. So they just have to calculate it as if you are paying for everything. And that is, of course, important to remember.”

“I want to say that it might sound a bit difficult and nerve-wracking to embark on such a big project and potentially spend a lot of time and money on it, and when it comes to money between family members, it can potentially go very wrong. But I really want to say that it can succeed, it really has many advantages. And it is truly a warm recommendation to have a cabin together across several generations. Because it is incredibly cozy and you get a different relationship. You see each other in some relaxing situations, not always at Christmas where there is a lot of chaos. It can really do something, I think.”

This thing about not being too stubborn, and really being prepared to compromise, I think is important. Because you are two families sharing the cabin.

Do’s and don’ts, before you buy a cabin with others

“Three pieces of advice I would have liked before we started the project are really to feel it out. Try to imagine the worst possible situations. There’s a snowstorm outside, there’s no more coffee in the pot, and you’re with your mother-in-law, locked in the cabin. How would that feel? Feel it deep down in your stomach. Can you get over it? If both of you or everyone is a bit stressed, can you solve it? And also having some conversations about what both parties expect. Talk together about what you think? Should we have some ongoing meetings? That’s something we’ve figured out and that has arisen. We haven’t said that now we’re doing this. But I actually think it would have been nice if we had an agreement about it from the beginning. It’s been a bit back and forth.”

• Feel it out ~ are you sure you will be able to solve it if you find yourselves in a stressful situation?
• Have some good conversations about what both parties expect before you buy. For example, should you have ongoing meetings? What if one party changes their mind about something?
• Agree in advance if you want to rent out the cabin.
• What happens if one of the parties wants to replace their permanent residence? Will the cabin have a financial influence on another home purchase or vice versa?
• Prepare for the art of compromise ~ it's no use being stubborn when several people need to agree and feel at home.
• Be patient and understand that you may be at different stages of life.

“And I’ve also had some ideas regarding renting out. When we bought the cabin, we really wanted to rent it out, and my mother-in-law was perhaps a bit more unsure about that. So we’ve really talked about what if someone changes their mind. Where can we meet, and what do we do in those situations? Really have some good conversations. And then think about if the permanent residence is to be replaced, what impact could that have? Maybe have a chat with the bank first. Because it would have been so annoying to look back if we were there and couldn’t buy an apartment we wanted. So I think that’s important, at least.”

I really want to say that it can succeed, it really has many advantages. And it is truly a warm recommendation to have a cabin together across several generations.

“And in terms of don’ts, I think that not being too stubborn, and really being prepared to compromise, I think is important. Because you are two families sharing the cabin. And it might be that you have a strong opinion about, for example, whether the entire cabin should be painted red, but if the other party thinks that’s not going to happen, you have to have a chat and find something that works for everyone. I think, at least in our situation, it’s important that both parties can feel at home here, even if it can be difficult when you want some projects started before others.”

“And also, being patient. But we are two different stages of life, if you buy with a parent or a mother-in-law. It goes both ways. For example, we just bought a dishwasher. My mother-in-law doesn’t mind washing dishes by hand, but when you’re there and have to give a bottle, it’s just nice to have some technology. So we’ve also waited a bit with that and talked about what we should do. And vice versa, there are definitely projects she would have liked us to have done last year. But yes, be patient everyone.”

It is incredibly cozy and you get a different relationship. You see each other in some relaxing situations, not always at Christmas where there is a lot of chaos. It can really do something, I think.